Not Finished Just Yet

Two years ago, I used to be someone that felt sorry for myself. A person that didn’t appreciate life and anticipated the most negative of outcomes to occur in my future. Through the darkest of times came depression, anxiety, self-esteem issues, etc. I couldn’t pull through it; I felt like I didn’t have the energy or motivation, and it started to take the most gut wrenching tole on me. There was no way to pull through, and as I became weaker, it became more challenging to understand that mind over matter is key, but I was too physically drained to think about what I’d be throwing up for breakfast in the morning, let alone expect my brain to pull me through the hole I crawled way too deep in.

As time passed though, the treatment became lighter, and my experience with facing death head on, ironically became my saviour. In general, I have been given so many useful opportunities to pursue my passions and goals, in ways that are unbelievable to me, after getting the strength to move on and never look back.

In time, it will be in the past and I’m looking forward to the future. Knowing that I’m on a train this very moment to Toronto to be interviewed for the Terry Fox Scholarship worth a total of $28,000 ($7000 per year), I have somehow found myself to be very proud of my accomplishments that have occurred in the past year or so. Being financially stable gives me the chance to move on, not have to worry, and live life. It also gives me a bit of relief, knowing that my treatment was very expensive, and this will give my parents the chance to save money after all they have done for me, making that weight a little less heavy on their shoulders. In order for this to happen though, I need this scholarship. I don’t want to be anxious about this, and be able to integrate so many things in my life that I never got the chance to do in high school. Like volunteer even more, join clubs and organizations at Carleton University, as well as externally be able to give my time and effort to something I’m passionate about, without asking for anything in return.

If you have been through anything similar to cancer or even something incredibly difficult in your life, you’ll understand how your mind is opened to so many possibilities and opportunities. To experience life and different environments, I believe is something so important to not be close-minded, and get the chance to expand your knowledge a little bit more. It also allows you to develop the skills you need for the work force, as you have to deal with work, people, and other difficult tasks in the workforce. Fortunately, I have been given several opportunities to develop skills in my life, especially now that I publicly speak on a regular basis, advocating for others, especially children who have cancer, who do not have a voice and can’t express their pain through their words. Being someone who has gone through what their going through, gives me the chance to open up to the public about how difficult it is for children, and for their parents watching them, to go through this difficult moment in life. And I can do this in several ways: through my writing, through creating videos/documentaries, through public speaking, through volunteering, etc.

In order for all of us to come together and make a change in this world, you have to want to be involved in whatever your pursuing to change. It doesn’t have to be cancer. It can be anything you want, such as volunteering to feed the homeless, joining a domestic violence support organization, and so on.

It can be tough to push yourself to make a change, because what can you do, right? In reality, the smallest thing, can be the most influential aspect in someone’s day, month, year, or lifetime. To make the smallest of changes for someone going through a difficult time, is not only inspiring to them, but it’s satisfying for yourself, knowing that you could be a source of support for someone.

So, get up off the couch, put the bag of chips down, and turn off the TV. It’s time to make a change.

Faith

Whenever I’m somewhere that’s overwhelming, I feel like tweety birds are constantly circling around my head, and I feel really dizzy, like I don’t know where I am. It sucks to feel like you’re not yourself, and don’t have any control over what you’re doing. It almost feels like your body is thinking for you, and you can forget about your brain, because it doesn’t exist anymore. Living only halfway is the worst feeling, because you feel like you’re not taking the strides in life that you want to take, and that you’re always behind everyone else. I’m lucky though, because I’m starting to catch up.

I always think of the people that are left behind, stuck in hospital rooms, or mental institutions, or wherever that doesn’t permit you to take a handle of your life, and lose control. I was one of those people. I was that person that people talked about for a month, than completely forgot about. I lived life inclosed by walls, while everyone else was enjoying their freedom and health.

I watched a documentary recently called “Boy Interrupted”, about a 15 year old boy, who committed suicide, and grew up only having the feeling of death on his mind. He always said that he wanted to die and kill himself, as if it was a matter of fact thing, like that was his goal in life. He had a sick soul though; he was bipolar. He was screaming from the inside.

I believe that whether a child is sick mentally, physically and/or emotionally, they want to tell themselves that they’re normal, and fine, but there’s always a breaking point, a moment that everything boils up, and can’t be bottled back down.

I had that moment when I was sick.

I don’t think I’d ever felt anything like it in my life. I remember I was too weak to even walk, I didn’t want to get out of bed, and when I did, it was as if I was using every ounce of energy I had, so I tried not to do it often. I was a mess, and it still breaks my heart knowing that I’m not the only person that went through that in their life.

There were times I couldn’t take it anymore, and my parents were concerned for me. To do this day, I have no idea how I lifted myself back up. When I was sick, I used to cry this ugly cry, and I remember I would scream so loud, almost like if I yelled like that, I would scream out my sickness, and everything would be better. The only thing that used to calm me down was medication, which I felt like my whole life was revolved around.

I felt angry for a long time. I didn’t want to see my friends, because I was too ugly to be in public. I didn’t want to face the stares and the questions, I only wanted to be alone and feel sorry for myself. I was so adamant that God chose this heartache for me because he hated me, and I was unloved for some reason. I felt like I did something that was so bad, that karma was coming back to get me, and He chose the worst test to give to me as a human being. So I didn’t pray, and I didn’t acknowledge that there was a God, because how could I when I was being treated like that? When all these innocent children were given this terrible disease? When Flavie died because He gave her cancer?

My life was overrun with emotions, and I was in a hole. There’s no one that could dig me out of my depressed state. When I finally realized that I was fighting against, instead of with myself, I started to get better. I was still angry, but I became hopeful and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Medication helped, but I like to believe that I did most of it on my own.

Now, I reestablished my relationship with God, and can now say my faith is completely restored. I haven’t felt peace of mind like this in years, and can I just say how rewarding and amazing it is to feel like a whole new person, with a sense of maturity, and whole new outlook on life. I’m not exactly fearless, but I can take things to new levels, as I was too scared to in the past. The future is really bright for me, and I only wish that every child could see that in themselves, because everything is possible if you put your heart to it. Sickness is only a temporary setback, that may not be the most idealistic thing in someone’s life, but it can be the most rewarding experience when it’s over.

-Mariam Abdel-Akher

Be A Doll and Take Me Downtown

Defying Strings

S T R I N G S

Five-past-seven in the evening is my one of my favourite moments of the day, when I have both windows rolled down of the outdated Toyota my grandmother lent to me for the summer. My favourite moment of the day, however, would be 6:45 am, when I am roughly 15 minutes into my run.

I’ll throw a few more at you; getting to watch Netflix after finishing exams, writing for fun on a sunday morning at Starbucks, wandering the streets of downtown Ottawa with my best friends, photographing people, and planning my own day to do anything I want. So, while I am not the owner of the vehicle drive, immune to the lactic acid in my quads [all the time], have any entitlement to unlimited venti lattes, or am able to cancel chores and shifts, these moments are my favourite because they remind me that, every once in a while, I can feel free, safe and in control

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Feeling New

Now that school is finally over, I can just focus on myself and the parts of life I want to accomplish. People are venturing off and beginning their lives around me, moving to new cities, and experiencing all they couldn’t when they were stuck in a city where you can only do so much. Of course, some people are staying, but they’re now doing what they love and finding themselves, something they were limited to do in high school.

What I love about university, is that there is so much to look forward too, and a lot more options around you. I’m so glad that I can now just focus on my ambition, and not have to worry about the other subjects, that I was just pushing through to get a good grade.

I don’t know if any of you know this, but my dream is to become a journalist. Writing is something I’ve always felt extremely passionate about, and it’s also something I really enjoy doing. To do it for work, would just be the icing on the cake. I’m not sure exactly what kind of journalism I want to get into, but I’m not stressing too much about it, because I know I’ll eventually discover it.

What really opened my eyes to know what I wanted to become, was this blog. I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback from all kinds of people, that have taken the time to read my posts. I know they haven’t exactly been the most uplifting of written work, but I always just post how I feel at the time, or what’s been going on in my life, which has been pretty hectic this past year. However, it’s been a pleasure being able to share some of my experiences on this public journal.

I am now really focusing on getting myself healthy and active again. Recently, I was admitted to the hospital, and I really sat down and told myself, you have got to get to a place where you love yourself and feel relaxed about your life. So, I’ve been eating clean, and doing as many workouts as I can, to get myself back into shape, and stop feeling like a vegetable. I’m taking it slow because it’s been a long time, but just starting out has made my mood and energy feel a hundred times better.

On Wednesday, I graduated from high school, and received a special award with a bursary. The amount of support that I have gotten from my peers, has been absolutely incredible and I don’t think I could have done it without my community cheering me on. I never thought I would get to this point, being stuck in the public school system for so long, but it’s finally here, and can I just say, it feels pretty damn good to feel like you’re now taking charge of your life. I also wanted to congratulate my fellow classmates at Colonel By. We finally did it after a crazy four years of stress and just feeling constantly overwhelmed with our school work. We’re free!

On Thursday, all the rest of the seniors and I had prom. It was an incredibly magical night. It was so great to see every girl in their beautiful dresses, looking absolutely stunning and all the boys in their suits looking so handsome and dapper. We were all on top of our game, to say the least.

A nurse that I had met the day before, had graciously brought her sister and her friend in to do my makeup. It was like a full on transformation, and they made me feel pretty for a night of fun and dancing. At the end of the night, I am absolutely honoured to say that I won prom queen, although I think every single girl in that room that night looked like a queen to me.

Overall, it’s been an amazing few weeks, with lots of events and work, but I can finally take a deep breath and relax, maybe sleep for the rest of my life.

The last thing I wanted to share is something that I have been working on for a while now, and I previously mentioned it in one of my earlier posts this year. I am finally finished my documentary! So, if you want to check that out, I have attached it with this post. Let me know what you think in the comments.

I wish everyone all the best in their future endeavors, and hope everyone has an amazing summer!

-Mariam Abdel-Akher

Not So “Intense” Anymore

April 9^th – April 15^th, 2015

This week has been very difficult to say the least. I’m in a phase of my protocol called delayed intensification, emphasis on the “intense”. During this part, you have to take steroids, and I’m not too sure why. Either way, it’s a necessary drug for treatment. When you’re on steroids, food becomes your closest friend because you gain a huge appetite. You crave some of the weirdest things and you’re always extremely hungry for anything and everything. Another side affect is that your heart beats way faster than normal and you can feel it pumping through your chest all the time, as if you had just gone for a long run. But, the worst side affect is the withdrawal. I have been taking steroids for two weeks now and I cut it cold turkey at the beginning of the week. Usually you’re supposed to slowly ween off the drug, but in my case I’m not allowed to. This causes extremely bad joint and muscle pains. I cannot get out of bed, go to the bathroom, walk up the stairs, etc., without the help of my family. I have not slept well in a few days because the pain is so bad, it keeps my body awake. I am not complaining though, because some people are in a constant and chronic pain, versus me, who can push and get through it in the course a few days.

I could not have done any of this without my family and friends. They lift me up when I am down and I appreciate it so much. I feel now that I have this extended family with so many people. I wouldn’t have met all these amazing individuals if I hadn’t gotten cancer. Life is funny in that way. Sometimes you have to go through a storm, but the rainbow always makes up for it in the end.

May 26^th, 2015

Today was the first day of getting back to my normal life. I am finally done intensive therapy and treatment, and can look forward to not being as worried about my life. I’ve been hidden from the world for so long, it will definitely take some adjusting to get back to society.

During my time in delayed intensification, I lost patches of hair, once again. This is causing me to be extremely insecure these days, and is making my transition from hibernation into the public eye, a difficult one. It’s hard to be seen as “that sick girl”, and the last thing I want, is to be stared at. I know people feel bad for me, and they are obviously not doing it to show any sort of resentment towards me, but it’s still not a good feeling to be the centre of attention, for that reason.

Insecurities are a very big part of going through cancer, especially for women. You begin with the very first month of treatment, which includes harsh chemotherapy, therefore resulting in quick hair loss. I remember running my hands through my long hair, and having patches of it fall into my hands. As it got thinner and thinner, the feeling of ugliness washes over you like an extremely violent wave. The worst part is looking in the mirror, and not recognizing yourself.

The second part is going completely bald. At first, I was okay with it, because I could no longer deal with how thin my hair was getting, so baldness was the best option, and I took it. I remember my mom being more scared of me shaving off my entire head of hair, than I was. As time went on though, the stares outside the hospital, and even inside the hospital, were tearing me limb from limb, and I felt so incredibly depressed and ugly, that I started seeing a psychologist and taking anti-depressants. I share this with all of you, because it’s not uncommon for a cancer patient to go through a time of extreme lows while on therapy, so it’s fairly obvious that I would go through something like that.

The third part is going through a series a changes in your body, whether that be weight gain or loss. For about a good 6 months of my treatment, I was very nauseous from the chemotherapy I was taking, and I could not hold down a single meal, making me lose about 24 kilos. I didn’t exactly look like sticks and bones, but I did not look healthy by any means. When I started taking steroids again, I gained a few pounds, but with steroids, it makes your appearance, specifically around your face, look different. There is a term that the nurses and doctors at the hospital use to describe this change in appearance. It is called “moon face”, and basically your cheeks puff up and swell, which makes your face look extremely big and round, almost like a balloon. I took steroids many times during my course of therapy, and you could not get me to look in the mirror to save my life, because I would not dare subject my eyes to that horror. Thankfully, the puffiness does go down, and you get your normal face back. I also have been able to gain a few kilos back, because I no longer have nausea, and for that I am grateful.

What I’m trying to say is, that it’s not just all physical pain. It is so emotionally draining to go through treatment, and the roller coaster just never stops. I for one am a person that sometimes has to put up a front, and look happy and positive when I see people, because I need them to believe I’m strong and capable enough to go through it, but at the back of my mind, I know I’m struggling.

I’m happy to say though, I can put the word “intense” in the past, and begin my journey back to normal life. Soon this will all be a memory tucked away in a little box.

-Mariam Abdel-Akher

Nervous Excitement

I’ve officially started making my documentary. I’ve already started interviewing many people and filming around the hospital. Tomorrow, I have a procedure, so that’s a pretty important aspect to film for the documentary. It keeps me feeling productive and in control of something that I know I’m good at. I can’t wait until it’s finished, so I feel like I accomplished something big.

I’m still a bit upset over Flavie’s death, but it’s becoming a little bit easier each day to remember the happy memories instead of the sad ones. In order for me to be okay again, I need to stay strong for her and keep going with my treatment.

I keep reminding myself that I only have a few months left and then the hard part is over. It’s been a crazy year, and I just want to get back to my normal routine of life such as school, hanging out with my friends outside my house, and not being as careful that wherever I go I might catch something from someone. In the meantime though, it’s just all about looking forward to these enjoyable things.

Even though I’ll only be back at school for a little less than two months, it’s worth it to be able to come back to school for prom, graduation, and to see all my friends. It’s important for me that I at least spend some time of my senior year at school with my peers.

Relay for life is coming, and it’s something that is so special and dear to me this year. I’ve started working on the speech I will be giving at the relay rally. I want to make a statement, because it’s important to know what you are supporting, so I want to make an in-depth presentation on the life of a cancer patient from the trauma to the side effects from chemo, to the most joyful moments.

This is a time where we can celebrate the ones that are fighting, the ones that have fought, and the ones that have lost the fight. I can’t wait to see everyone, and watch my school perform a greater deed as one community.   

-Mariam Abdel-Akher

Flavie

I remember when I first met Flavie. I was waiting to do a beauty counseling session at CHEO, when Flavie and her mother walked in a bit later.  Flavie had her wig on at the time, and when she finally sat down and got comfortable, she took her wig off, and that shocked the heck out of me because I really thought her wig was her natural hair. Ever since then, it seemed that wherever I went in the hospital, I would bump into Flavie. Fate brought us together.  We always found each other some way or another. I didn’t know that day, but I had just met the one friend that understood me the most, that knew exactly what getting chemo felt like, and having a daily routine of hospital visits and admissions. I knew that we’d be friends from then on.

In December, Flavie and I were admitted at around the same time, so we had the chance to bond and get to know each other even more. Flavie was a beautiful, intelligent, sporty, joyful, hopeful and strong person, and she pushed and fought till her last breath. She was also a girl that knew what she wanted. I knew that she loved to play soccer, and it would have been challenging for her, but she was determined to play sports when she was done her treatment, which was really inspirational for me. She was up to every challenge.

There was this one time where Flavie and I were in the elevator together and we were going down to the main floor and right next to the elevators is the cafeteria. When we both got off, we immediately thought the smell of it was absolutely disgusting because of our sensitivity to smell and we both plugged our noses like it was the most awful thing we’d ever smelt. As much as this was funny – as much it showed that we both react to things in the same exact time the same way. We understood each other well.

I received a wonderful gift from Flavie in the mail for my birthday. It was a beautiful quilt that I use frequently to keep me warm. Every time I use it, I think of Flavie and all the special times we shared during the short period we knew each other. She will always be in my heart.

If you knew Flavie, then you knew she is the brightest star in the night sky. You saw the most beautiful smile to ever be seen, and you saw the strongest person to ever fight a fight. Flavie will always be missed by the people that she knew because she was the type of person that positively impacted people’s lives forever and that she will never be forgotten.

When I heard the news, I thought that I never had a chance to say goodbye Flavie, so this is my chance to do so.  I hope you’re listening now. Thank you for letting me be part of your life for the short time that I did. I will miss you always.

RIP Flavie.

-Mariam Abdel-Akher

Change Change Change

I find that being alone for a while can sometimes be a good thing. You can still have friends from a distance, but sometimes you need to focus on yourself and really think and reflect on your priorities in life. I for one am a very sensitive person and do not particularly like being alone, although life throws curveballs and sometimes you just are alone. That is the way I’m feeling right now, and I’ve allowed myself, even though it’s difficult, to be okay with being by myself.

Throughout this past year, I’ve relied on others to motivate and take care of me, and I’m not saying that it’s wrong to need help, especially where I’m coming from.  However, there are other people who are just taking care of themselves and being selfish, so I’ve decided to do the exact same thing. I will obviously need to rely on some people, like my family, for supportive reasons, but my treatment is almost done, and by that time, I need to toughen up and realize that others have their own needs in life, and I can’t depend on people for too long.

It’s also sad to think about it, but I’ll probably lose most of my friends after high school, but it’s just life. Life, for me, is all about change. I can see now who I want to be associated with, and who is just bringing me down, and stressing me out in life.

I recently read something online that changed my perspective of life. It suggested that to be who you want to be, to not let anybody, even your family dictate what you want to do, and instead do the thing that will make you happiest in life. I can’t waste my time giving my time to people who don’t have time for me, because it just makes me look like a follower, when all I want to do is to be a leader. I think that I’ve had a couple of rough few weeks, and even still, I’m looking at life positively and moving forward. In fact, everything that I thought would bother me for a long time hasn’t, and it feels pretty great.

I’m still glad I have my support system around, because it is still really important. But, life can’t always give you lemons.

-Mariam Abdel-Akher

Light

I’m at the hospital now and getting prepped for a long day of procedures and chemo. For my procedure, they stick a long needle into my back and insert a certain type of chemo through it. I should be going soon and I’m not scared because I do this quite often. The best part about it all is I’m under anesthesia during it all.

From the window in my hospital room, I can see the wind blowing snow off of the rooftops of the houses that are close to the hospital and I wonder who stays there. I know that the Ronald McDonald house is close as well, where sick children and their families stay from far away places, like Kingston and other parts of Ontario.

We drove contently, my mom and I, to the hospital. Recently, everything has been content and now that winter is here, I can feel Christmas and my birthday in the air, which is getting me excited this year. I’ve decided that this winter, I’m actually going to enjoy myself. For the past few years, I’ve had dreary, slippery winters, and I’ve hated them with my whole heart. This winter, I’m going to stay inside most of the time, so I’m looking forward to sipping hot chocolate by the heater and watching Christmas inspired movies with my mom. Also, I’m looking forward to driving down my street at night, and seeing all the Christmas lights that my neighbors have put up.

I’m going on to the National Arts Centre to see the Nutcracker being performed. The next day, I’ll be attending a Christmas party at Fun Haven with some of my friends. I’m really excited to be participating in activities outside of my home and being able to share them with the people that are there for me and that I love.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, which means I’m almost at the end. Given the fact that I’ve been going through this for so long, it’s nice to know that it’s almost over. When you feel secluded in your home, than you begin to notice that you start getting frustrated more, and want to be freed and go back to a normal routine. This will happen soon for me. I thank God every day that my condition was not more serious, because than it would have taken longer for me to finish my treatment. So far, everything is going well, and it will get better.

-Mariam Abdel-Akher